Emily's Message to Parents & Guardians | Helpful Links | Common Questions from Young People

ATTENTION PARENTS & GUARDIANS

Although this site is intended for adults, and although it's impossible to submit a question about sex to me without acknowledging that they are over adult age, I still get a lot of questions from teenagers who are sexually active and who have questions. I wish I could answer them but legally, I just can't.

They may be asking me because they're too embarrassed to ask a parent, doctor, or counselor. Some are scared of being punished, or of the adults in their lives losing respect for them. Others just don't feel that they can bring these questions to a trusted adult.

You can make yourself available to your children. Keep an open dialogue about sex. Start as soon as you can, by speaking in a calm, non-threatening way about age-appropriate sexual information. You don't have to get personal. You can start by saying that you found this site and you wondered if your child had any questions. You can browse together through my online e-Journal of questions people have sent me with my answers, or the list of common questions about sex from younger people. You don't have to force information on a child who isn't ready to hear it. The best way to know what they're ready to hear is to ask what they'd like to know.

Most children and teenagers learn something about sex and sexuality from television and peers. Ask them what they've heard, what they're confused about, and what they'd like to know. The first conversations don't have to be heavy, serious affairs. Ask over dessert or while driving. These non-confrontational situations can help lessen some of the embarrassment for both of you. Keep in mind that children don't know to be embarrassed about sex, but they will pick up on your cues. Be sure to demonstrate a mature approach to sexuality and that's what they will learn from you. If you just stick to answering their questions, and continue to check in to see if new ones have come up, you will not only be sure to maintain continual age-appropriate sexual education for your child, but you'll be making yourself available. The fact that your child will know it's alright to come to you with these questions when new ones arise is wonderful. It could mean the difference between an educated, confident sexually active individual, and someone who is more likely to let other people make their (potentially dangerous) decisions for them.

If we educate teenagers about sex, aren't we just giving them permission to do it?
NO! You're giving them the TOOLS to do it responsibly. In a 2001 study, 46% of high school students reported having had sexual intercourse (source: SIECUS). The programs that teach "abstinence only" to high school students showed NO consistent decrease in the instance of teen pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. Telling kids not to do it doesn't help. About half of the kids in American high schools have already had sex. Help yours figure out how to keep themselves mentally and physically healthy and strong by teaching them about safer sex, sexuality, and relationships.

Some of the most important ideas about sexuality for teenagers, in my opinion, are as follows:

• It is up to no one but YOU, to decide when you're ready to have sex. It is an adult decision with potentially life-altering results. Until you are ready emotionally to be that physically intimate with someone, and until you AND YOUR PARTNER are ready to face the real possibilities of accidental pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections, don't do it.



• It is OK to be gay. We've ended up with such a mess in our society over sexual orientation. "Gay" used to mean happy. Now it's used as an insult! It is believed that a person's sexual orientation is determined between the ages of 2 and 8. There is nothing wrong with being gay or bisexual. It is not "caused" by having gay parents. Gay people have straight parents, and vice versa. It's not a choice and it doesn't have to be such a burden. It's simply a matter of who someone is attracted to. Because of the confusion, negativity, and discrimination against homosexuality, younger people (really, anyone) may have a very difficult time coming to terms with their sexual orientation. Help your child learn who they are, encourage them to pursue their own happiness, and support them. Straight, gay, or bi, they need that from you.



• Misinformation and lack of information are the worst problems facing sexually active teenagers. They lead to confusion and (much) worse. Check out the links I've compiled that contain relevant information about sex and sexuality for teenagers. If you're not as sexually literate as you'd like, take the opportunity to learn together! Remember that professionals like me, doctors, and schools are telling your kids to ask you about sex. Make sure you know the answers! Read about safer sex (NO sex is "safe"), learn what can (and can't) cause pregnancy, how to avoid exposure to HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted infections, and how to handle a pregnancy scare.



• Tell your teenager: Demand Respect. Anyone who pressures you to have sex is not caring for you. It's alright for a partner to say they'd like to have sex, and for you to discuss it. But if you've made it clear that you're unsure or not ready, it is your partner's job to respect that. The second you feel pressured, address it with your partner and ask for understanding and patience. If you don't get it, you need to move on- that's not the partner for you. If you are ever forced to do anything against your will, get out and go to the police. It's illegal, it is NOT your fault, and does NOT happen in a healthy relationship. (Likewise, if your partner has told you he/she is not ready, prove that you care enough about him/her and that you are mature enough to have sex by laying off. Ask him/her to let you know if his/her feelings change, and just enjoy being together, kissing, hugging, or even engaging in other sexual activities besides intercourse if you're both comfortable with it.)



• There are other things people can do besides intercourse. Masturbation (alone or with a partner) is a great way to be sexually intimate without the risks of penetration. Oral sex is an option too, but some diseases can be transmitted orally. A condom or dental dam (latex products that create a barrier between the genitals and mouth) are highly recommended. Learn about some creative alternatives to intercourse and you'll have some excellent ways to find sexual satisfaction and personal intimacy without the concerns about virginity, pregnancy, and disease.



• Sex is not just for a man's enjoyment. Young women are not usually taught about enjoying sex, and therefore fall into the trap of doing it just for their partners. Young men aren't often taught to focus on a woman's pleasure either. Sex can become a chore, a tool to get or keep a boyfriend, or the cause of discomfort and distress. Men may be intimidated by the confusion around women's pleasure and their role in it. Teach your daughters that they should enjoy it too... that when they're ready, sex should be something fun, intimate, pleasurable, and enjoyable to share with a partner, and that if they expect their partner to know what they want, they have to figure it out for themselves first and then communicate it. Teach your sons that every woman is different, and that through experimentation (while paying attention to her responses) and communication with her, he can learn what she'll most enjoy.

I am always available to help, if you and your children run into questions that you can't answer alone. You can hire me for personal counseling via phone, email, or chat, or send me a question for free that I'll answer in the e-Journal.

Congratulations on your dedication to your children's health and safety.