I've spoken to many people, the vast majority of whom are female, who find that distraction and stress interfere with sex for them. Sometimes there's so much going on in their heads that they're occupied with thoughts of what they'll make for dinner or whether they remembered to send an email when they'd be better suited concentrating on pleasant, simple things like "that feels good." Sometimes anxiety gets in the way of comfort. One woman with whom I spoke realized over time that there was a direct correlation between whether her bedroom lamp was on and whether she had an orgasm during sex with her partner. She realized that the lamp cause her discomfort (from the bed, the bulb was often visible and the light in her eyes certainly wasn't pleasant), and that it brought up some self-image issues for her. Her partner was very visual and preferred to see her during sex, but it felt like a spot-light to her. She Learned to turn it off and use a colored, low-watt bulb instead. It created ambiance, added to the mood, allowed enough light for her partner to enjoy her visually, but not so much that she was distracted or self-conscious.

We can be aroused or deterred by a huge variety of influences. It's up to each of us to determine what we need to feel comfortable and relaxed. Sometimes small details help, like going to the bathroom beforehand to relieve some physical pressure, or using pillows under heads or hips. Sometimes though, we can have major hang-ups that prevent us from just relaxing and enjoying ourselves, which may be the best move we can make toward "good" sex. If we're tense because we're not sure if we're "doing it right" (see the interpretation and communication Keys) or because we're concerned about whether we'll have an orgasm, it's just not possible to relax and enjoy what's going on. In fact, these stressors can make it more difficult to orgasm and certainly interfere with what ought to be a very pleasant experience.