Message to Parents | Helpful Links | Common Questions from Young People




Message to Parents | Helpful Links | Common Questions from Young People

Common Questions from Young People:



Should I lose my virginity? Am I ready to have sex for the first time?

This is a very important question. I get a lot of emails from girls between the ages of 13 and 18 who are in a relationship (usually with an older guy). Some are feeling pressure from their boyfriends to have sex. Others say they feel comfortable with their guys and they think they're ready, but they want to be sure.

The first thing to consider is how sexually educated the young woman is. Knowledge of how to avoid pregnancy and infections is VITAL. There is excellent information available online. See my list of links. I've noticed that while many young women are concerned about avoiding pregnancy, there is much less concern for protecting themselves from infections. The risks are very real, and prevention is not that difficult, as long as the knowledge is there.

Also, sexual education for students usually deals with sex from only the limited physical perspective. It explains the physiology, bodily changes, and mechanics of sex, but not the social, emotional, and mental aspects of sharing one's body so intimately with another person. The vulnerability, emotional reactions and personal needs are often overlooked. Do your daughters and sons a favor and tell them that sex is not just something their vagina and penis do.

What's a "cherry" and how does it get popped?

When people talk about popping a girl's cherry, they're referring to her losing her virginity. There is a thin layer of skin, called the hymen, over most girls' vaginas. Some are solid, some have one large hole or a series of small holes, and some are just around the edge of the vaginal opening. Most girls break their hymen during the course of normal activity before they ever have sex, like while riding a bicycle, dancing, or masturbating. Some people expect a "pop" when they first have sex, or think if there's nothing covering the vaginal opening, then the girl isn't a virgin. There's not to hear, and since most girls break their hymen before they ever have sex, and some never have a hymen at all, it's silly to guage virginity by the presence of a hymen. You can help young women understand that sex may or may not hurt the first time, that she may or may not bleed (but if she does it shouldn't be much blood) and that in order for her to be properly cared for, she should not have sex until she is emotionally prepared and can trust her partner completely to adamantly defend her comfort and see to her needs, physically and otherwise.

Is it normal to bleed or have pain after sexual intercourse?

It is normal to have some MINOR bleeding or discomfort after having sex for the first time. It is also normal to experience just one, or neither. It is NOT normal to experience significant bleeding, bleeding while urinating, or extreme pain during or after intercourse. Anyone experiencing any of those things should see a gynecologist right away. Alternatively, Planned Parenthood might have a nearby clinic with professionals who can help.

Is my penis the normal size? Are my breasts big enough? Will anyone be disappointed by the appearance of my naked body?

It is absolutely wonderful that there is so much variety in people's appearance. Thank goodness we don't all look exactly the same. The normal variation in size for a penis, breasts, butt, or any other body part is a huge range. Most people fall somewhere in the middle. It's terribly unlikely that anyone would ever laugh at their partner's naked body. In fact, it may be that each partner is equally concerned about impressing the other. The most important thing to remember is that beauty is not measured in inches. Some teenagers aren't yet done growing, and some body parts may continue to get larger... others won't. It's better to enjoy sexual intimacy with trusted partners than to worry about measuring up.

I'm worried that I (or my girlfriend) might be pregnant!
There are reasons to worry about a possible pregnancy. Having unprotected sex (or unprotected sex with someone on the pill who may have missed a pill) can result in pregnancy. Also, a broken condom, accidental contact between semen and vagina, using the "pull-put" method, or having sex for a short time before putting on a condom are all circumstances that can lead to pregnancy. In all cases, the best thing to do is contact a doctor or clinic. There are emergency contraception options available, but they only work IMMEDIATELY after the unprotected (or risky) intercourse. For more information, see Planned Parenthood's site.

Also, please note that if pregnancy is a possibility, then there is also a risk of Sexually Transmitted Infections. Even when birth control pills are used appropriately, there is no protection against diseases. Education is key. Doctors and clinics are available to help. These are excellent resources and their help can save lives. If you're not comfortable or knowledgeable enough to teach your children about safer sex, enlist the help of a doctor or clinic. Don't let your discomfort or ignorance put your child in danger.

If I only had sex once (or if most of his semen came out of me afterward) could I still be pregnant?
YES. It only takes one time, and one teeny tiny sperm. Even a woman who has never had her period can become pregnant.

How can I have safe sex?
There is no safe sex. There is "safer" sex which involves protection against unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Before becoming sexually active, each person should talk to his or her doctor about birth control options and protection from diseases. It does NOT work to leave it up to a partner. Everyone needs to make conscious decisions about his or her own health and sexuality. In order to do so, preparation and education are necessary. Also, getting pills (for instance) isn't good enough if they're not accompanied by vital information. Missing one pill (or being on antibiotics) will make the pill unreliable as birth control for the ENTIRE remainder of that cycle, and up to one month afterward. Make sure doctors offer complete information by helping your children ask what they need to know about their chosen method(s) of protection. Brochures are also helpful, because you can read them alone or together in privacy.


Message to Parents | Helpful Links | Common Questions from Young People

STILL HAVE QUESTIONS ABOUT DISCUSSING SEX WITH YOUR CHILD?
You can always ask me anything.



HELPFUL LINKS

General Sites
Planned Parenthood
       Find a Clinic Near You
       Birth Control
       Sexually Transmitted Infections
       Other Teen Issues
WebMD (general health)

Teen Sites
Coalition for Positive Sexuality
Teens Sexual Health
Scarleteen
Teenwire
Birds & Bees
I Wanna Know